Funny Excerpt from the golf book "The Kiss that Caused My Slice"

I have taken this selection from John Ducker's new golf book, "The Kiss that Caused My Slice".  I believe you will find John's wit entertaining: I have provided you with a poem about a mythical (?) round of golf with in-laws. Enjoy!


Raising the Ante

It was the summer after our wedding, our rings still shiny and bright.
My wife planned golf with my in-laws, perhaps on the links we wouldn’t fight.

My in-laws and I don’t mix. The reasons – would take too long to compile ‘em.
They think I belong in prison. I think they belong in an asylum.

But golf was a good idea, for golf makes strange bedfellows of us all.
Why not tee it up? We could take our frustrations out on the ball.

But the day before our round, my wife turned an ankle, which swelled, blacked and blued.
“You still have to play”, she said. “Why?” I asked, “They already think I’m rude.”

So the three of us headed to the course and took some practice swings to get warm,
When my father-in-law’s cell phone rang. I sensed a brewing storm.
A work emergency had come up suddenly, and he would have to run.
“The two of you should still play,” he said. He was sorry to miss the fun.

So now it was just a twosome, and I asked my ogre-in-law about action at the tee box.
“Sure thing,” she said grinning. She’s crazy, I tell you. Crazy like a fox.

“But let’s not bet money,” she said, “No, let’s make it more interesting than that.
Let’s be honest. You think I’m nasty. I think that you’re stupid and fat.

With this match today, let’s put an end to our bickering and brawling.
For example, if you win, I promise to refrain from any early morning calling.
I’ll visit only once a year, and then for no more than four days,
I’ll stop slandering you on the internet, and I’ll accept your slovenly ways.
For birthdays I’ll send gifts that you want, rather than try to inflict my will,
And for all of the things you break at our house, I will stop sending you a bill.

Of course you, my daft son-in-law, will also have to put something in the pot.
If I win I will visit whenever I like, which might seem to you like a lot.
If victorious, I want our picture displayed, visible from your living room couch,
And we will always share Thanksgiving and Christmas, and you will not act like a grouch.

So take the bet if you want to, if not, of course, I would understand,
It is a big risk for you to take, and generally speaking, you are a cowardly man.”

“You are on!” I retorted boldly, and tried to calmly flip the tee.
“Your honor, Your Honor” I joked, and she ripped one as far as I could see.

Like a jack rabbit she parred out, seizing the early lead.
On the par three second she stuck it so close, the putt I had to concede.
And on and on and on she went, dominating the front nine.
I was panicked, and had visions of an in-law apartment running through my mind.

But after we made the turn, I started to get a couple of breaks.
And my mother-in-law struggled, and choked on a couple of must makes.

She righted the ship quickly, playing with a determination I’d never before seen.
She was two up on the 16th tee, and driving like a machine.

But number 16 was a dogleg right that played perfectly for my slice.
And she hooked one into the woods, and screamed a curse word, when ‘darn’ would have sufficed.

On 17 she found the bunker, and took three swings to get out,
All square on the 18th tee box, round 15 of the championship bout.

I put my drive in the fairway, she followed though not quite as far.
She hit the green with her second, and cleaned up the two putt par.

I was also on in two, and had a downhiller that didn’t look so fast,
But my adrenaline was pumping like a fire hose, and I knocked it six feet past.

My heart was pounding hard as I lined up that baby for the halve,
My opponent knew she couldn’t lose, and at my expense let out a laugh.

The putt was tracking from the start, but I swear that witch stared it off line,
And as it lipped out she cackled a satanic sound that reverberated through my spine.

I’d like to tell you more about that match, but I can’t. No, not today.
I’ve got to get to the airport – she lands in an hour, for a three and a half week stay.

Marriott Golf and Bag Boy push Golfers To Walk for Health and the Environment

In an alliance with Bag Boy, Marriott Golf is now placing eco-friendly Express Auto three-wheel walking carts in ten of its U.S. Resorts "pushing" golfers to walk for their own health and helping to better the environment!

Combined with their free, family fun initiative, Marriott Golf is working overtime to return the sport to its purest form!

Experts all agree that the way to stay healthy is to exercise and, in my opinion, there is no better way than to walk a golf course on a beautiful, sunny day! Not only is walking the course good for your health but it also keeps the golf course in optimum condition.

How many people play "military golf"...left, right, left right...using their golf carts to drive willy-nilly on the fairways (directly opposing good golf etiquette 90 degree's on wet days and path-only rules?).

Although the "cooler" on the electric cart may be more to your liking, you'll burn only about 800 calories sitting around in a golf cart as opposed to approximately 1,400 calories walking the a course (probably more if you carry your golf bag.)

Come to think of it, I've seen mostly guys riding around the publinks lately while many of the women walk the course.

“Research shows that golfers who walk are also less prone to lower back, shoulder, and ankle injuries than golfers who carry their clubs,” said Craig Ramsbottom, President of the Bag Boy Company.  “Our innovative walking carts are ergonomically correct and easy to maneuver so golfers that visit a Marriott resort can now experience a cool, fun and healthy way to navigate the course.”
 
Each participating property will be outfitted with Bag Boy’s popular three-wheel push carts, providing resort golfers with a fun and healthy way to navigate the course, as well as support environmental consciousness.

“This partnership directly supports Marriott International’s unwavering commitment to promote wellness and healthy living, as the health and exercise benefits of walking and pushing your clubs around a golf course are immeasurable,” said William Nault, Vice President, Marriott Golf.  “We anticipate a very positive response from our resort golfers for this Walk For Health initiative, and our intention is to roll out the program at more Marriott Golf properties throughout the year.”

Bag Boy Express Auto walking carts will be available for guest play at the following resort destinations:

Camelback Inn, A JW Marriott Resort, Scottsdale, Ariz.; Desert Springs JW Marriott Resort & Spa, Palm Desert, Calif.; JW Marriott Desert Ridge Resort & Spa, Phoenix, Ariz.; JW Marriott Starr Pass Resort & Spa, Tucson, Ariz.; Doral Golf Resort & Spa, Miami, Fla.; Marriott’s Grande Vista Resort, Orlando, Fla.; Grande Pines Golf Club, Orlando, Fla.; Marco Island Marriott Beach Resort, Naples, Fla.; Oak Brook Hills Marriott Resort, Oak Brook, Ill and The Ritz-Carlton, Dove Mountain, Tucson, Ariz.

The best part about the walking initiative is that each property above holds the distinction of being a Certified Audubon Cooperative Sanctuary, which indicates that Marriott Golf has gone to the greatest lengths possible to protect the environment by enhancing precious natural areas and wildlife habitats. 

The new Walk For Health program gives golfers the ability to support environmental consciousness while enjoying nature and a good walk on a spectacular golf course!

Ladies Playing Through. How women are changing the face of golf in Westchester.

There has been much Twitter buzz on the state of Women's golf and so I have reprinted an article I wrote for Westchester Magazine.

By Stacy Solomon, Golf for Beginners

Golf may or may not be growing nationwide, but here in Westchester one big segment of the game is robustly rockin’ and rollin’ along.  It is golf played by women, and literally thousands of them are smacking the little white ball all over the county’s public and private courses—more of them than you think right down the middle of the fairway.

Why?  As marketing executive Sherry Bruck, owner of The Harquin Group observed, "In what other sport can you take a sixteen year old, a twenty year old, a forty year old and an eighty year old and go out together and have such a blast?"

Nearly two-thirds of all new golfers across the country are women, according to the National Golf Foundation.  Local organizations reports high participation, too.  The Women’s Metropolitan Golf Association (WMGA) has about 800 Westchester/Fairfield members.  The Metropolitan Golf Association reports TKTK women maintain handicaps and play at private clubs, with an unknown additional number playing without handicaps. Peter Tartaglia, spokesman for the Westchester Parks Department, says about 5,500 golfers on the county's six public courses are women.  That’s a lot of ladies chasing par.

As you would expect, there are both similarities and differences in the way men and women play the game.  Golf provides the same challenges and satisfactions for women as it does for men.  "Creativity is needed as well as control over your emotions," according to Alice Odorico, a thirteen-handicapper at Bonnie Briar in Scarsdale.  She adds that golf is not just a physical sport but requires mental toughness as well. Once a private banker, Odorico now has more time to dedicate to competition and plays in interclub matches around the region, although she says, “I love golf as a hobby, not a career."

Women also use golf as a business aid just like their male counterparts.  Avril Dawkins, an account manager at Aetna, says “I try to incorporate golf into every opportunity I get.  If we have an outing, I'll bring clients or consultants.”  Although she took lessons and practiced on the range, Dawkins was hesitant to play on a golf course until she joined the Executive Women’s Golf Association (EWGA). The plucky Mount Vernon resident now confidently drills her shots accurately down the fairway.  Dawkins cautions that when she plays with male business partners, it can be unnerving because they evidently feel they have to prove their manhood: "They pull out the driver even when they know they have no business hitting that club!"

All too often, a woman is still greeted with a sneer and a guffaw until she has proven herself on the tee because tolerance doesn’t come easy for some men. Beginner Karen Clark, a school teacher who plays at Maple Moor, says, "Initially, when you're out there and paired with men, they look at you like 'oh god...there goes my game.’ Then they see you can hit the ball and their jaws drop."

Cara Vietri, an analyst for Mastercard who averages 27 holes per week, points out that there are some basic differences between the way men and women approach the game.  "A guy who plays once a year will hit it 220 yards into the trees and spend ten minutes looking for it!" she says, whereas women are more sensitive to golfers behind them and will pick up golf balls during a blow-up hole.  “Men have that hunter-gatherer instinct. It's not hard-wired into women to search until we die!"

Bruck points out, men have always complained about the pace of play by women on the course even though, she asserts, "You'll actually find women play faster than men because women are so self-conscious about it."

Just like men, women are involved in the game at many levels, from hard-nosed formal tournament play to casual chase-it-around-the-pasture rounds with a weekly foursome.  On the competitive scene, the WMGA holds thirty hotly-contested events for golfers with an 21.0 or better handicap index.  "It's very intense," says WMGA Director of Operations Nancy Early. “The women can't wait to challenge other clubs to see how they're doing."

The EWGA, on the other hand, welcomes rank beginners as well as serious competitors.

"We offer women the opportunity to play the game for business and for life," says Westchester chapter President Sherri Wilson of Hawthorne, who adds that her day job as a manager of shopping center properties fuels her passion for golf as a getaway. She reports that the local group has 174 members, 34 of which are new members.

At Winged Foot in Mamaroneck, Assistant Pro Reid Johnson says a core group of twenty to thirty women still gathers on Wednesdays for regulation events and compete in WMGA-sponsored interclub team matches.  He adds that a new group of about twenty "niners" (who play only nine holes) has developed on Thursdays.  Different events such as seniors versus baby boomers and a new Ryder Cup format, where teams (the "Wings" versus the "Feet") compete in alternate shot and individual matches, add diversity to the weekly games.

Organized events at public venues have faithful followings and players must sign up early in the season to reserve a space.  One of the more competitive EWGA nine-hole twilight leagues takes place at Doral Arrowwood while other groups form weekly at Maple Moor and Sprain Lake.

As vibrant as the Westchester women’s golf scene seems to be, there may be clouds on the horizon.  Former Leewood Country Club member Bruck complained about her daughter’s lack of interest.  "Its hard to get her out on the golf course, and then she goes out and hits the ball like, a mile," Bruck says.  “When I ask her why she doesn't want to play, she says it takes a lot of time, its expensive, and her friends don't play."

Troy Tingberg, teaching professional at Bonnie Briar, points out, “I see lots of kids from five to ten years of age running around hitting balls and practicing in clinics" but there aren't any formal leagues at most country clubs for them.

"One of the problems is that we lose a lot of girls to other sports,” Westchester Country Club's Monique Thoresz adds.  “If a girl is athletic or strong or shows lots of promise, all the coaches from other sports want them too. So field hockey, lacrosse, softball and all the other sports compete with golf for players." The teaching professional pointed out that girls can and do compete on women’s interclub teams but none currently exist just for them.

That may change as more women become active in the sport, which will in turn create more role models for younger players and create more demand for instruction and structured competitions for youngsters.  Who knows, the growing number of women golfers might even force men to play faster.